Nancy sent me a message and asked me to talk to her today. Emotionally, it was hard for me to see her again. I didn't reply her message. Martin's wife ensured me that she was good last night, and in fact she really didn't care. Kids, that is the difference between me and her. I thought that she might get upset, and I asked Martin's wife to take care of her, but Nancy knew that I was upset, and she left me without any explanation.
I was working on my project that she came to my place in the university and asked me to talk to her. I asked her to do that later, and she left me. I sent her a text later, and I explained my emotional situation. I asked her to imagine her boyfriend did the same thing to her to understand my situation, and then consider talking to me. She came to my place again, and I decided to talk to her.
We had a very long conversation. Honestly, I didn't want to write down our conversation. In fact, I couldn't write it at all.
She: I knew this boy since four years ago. He was my classmate. Our family members are talking to each other for engagement ... We had many up and downs in these four years, but we are very good together now. It seems that we built each other.
Her words scared me a little. I thought I never had a relationship for four years. I didn't build anybody, and no one built me. In addition, my personality is formed, and I don't want to change it. Will I find someone whom can match me? On the other hands, her words made me calm because now I know that I have no place in her life. She was so in love with him that she couldn't see me at all. In fact, the only person whom she really cares about was him.
Me: I didn't know this. In fact, nobody knew this. I talked to Martin's wife, and she said that they got surprised when they saw you with that boy that night.
She: You hadn't seen him, but others had seen him. He was here several times.
Me: I didn't know that.
She: Do you remember when you wanted to go to San Antonio, and I said that I might join you if my friend decided to come with me. What friend did you think I meant?
Me: I thought a lab-mate or someone else. You said your friend not a boyfriend.
She: What about my Facebook's status. I put there I am in a relationship and many congratulated me.
Me: FB??? Is it a source for these kinds of information? How could I know that?
...
She: What about the other day when we went to the cinema. You asked me to ask my boyfriend, and I said that he was not here.
-------
Kids, this is what happened: (A flash back to that day when I went to a cinema with Nancy)
Me: I am going to go to a movie with my Indian friend. Would you like to join us?
She: Yes, I will.
Me: Very good. I have two more spaces in my car. You can also invite your boyfriend to join us.
She: I wish I could, but he is in another town.
Me thinking to myself: Go daddy! If you had a boyfriend, you would have asked him. You came to the US recently, and you were here all the time. How could you find a boyfriend in another town? Let's see. I can remember that you talked about a trip that you had to a coast one day. Did you find anyone where? No! you are not such a girl. Or you may have someone in your home country? No! It can't be because nobody can keep such a long distance relationship like this. If you had him there, you wouldn't start a PhD for more than four years here. In the worse case, if you had loved someone there, you would see that I am better than anybody else. I got it. You are a girl who would like to pick your love yourself. That's why you pretend that you have a boyfriend. I hope that you will see that I am worth it one day.
-----
She: You should have told me as soon as you felt that you became interested in me. I always felt safe with you. I always considered you as a very good friend. It is only two weeks that I felt that you might love me.
Me: Even I didn't know that. You are right. In fact, it is about two weeks that I decided to talk to you.
She: So, how could you get that far in two weeks?
Me: I don't know. (Kids, I knew, but I couldn't tell her because she couldn't understand. I liked her long before. I don't know when exactly it began, but I knew that it was long ago. In fact, it was two weeks that I decided to talk her seriously, and you know this because I wrote about it in my diary.)
...
Me: You know, I just got shocked. If it didn't happen that night, I could talk to you in a few days, and you could tell me, and it won't hurt that much. I would become upset for a few days, and it was over. But I got shocked because I could never expect such a thing to happen.
She: I am not sure you would talk to me. I bet that you wouldn't tell me in next three months.
Me: You are wrong. I had made my decision to talk to you. I even talked to Henry if I should ask you and he said yes a few weeks ago.
She: You asked him? Why? It is obvious that if you like a girl you should go and tell her.
---
I talked to Henry the other day because I wanted to make sure that it was a right decision. I could remember that Henry said, "International students are very vulnerable here. I think that nobody should get a boyfriend or girlfriend among them unless they are serious and sure about it to some extent. A heartbreak can be ten times worse for an International student."
Kids, she never could understand me. All she care was herself. She never knew that I got hurt because I didn't want her to get hurt. By the way, it is over. Nancy had made her decision, and I think that she made a right choice. Although I know that she will have a hard life, and I didn't want to leave her alone in all those hardships, I let her go because I had no other choice. Kids, this is the end of Nancy's story!
I was working on my project that she came to my place in the university and asked me to talk to her. I asked her to do that later, and she left me. I sent her a text later, and I explained my emotional situation. I asked her to imagine her boyfriend did the same thing to her to understand my situation, and then consider talking to me. She came to my place again, and I decided to talk to her.
We had a very long conversation. Honestly, I didn't want to write down our conversation. In fact, I couldn't write it at all.
She: I knew this boy since four years ago. He was my classmate. Our family members are talking to each other for engagement ... We had many up and downs in these four years, but we are very good together now. It seems that we built each other.
Her words scared me a little. I thought I never had a relationship for four years. I didn't build anybody, and no one built me. In addition, my personality is formed, and I don't want to change it. Will I find someone whom can match me? On the other hands, her words made me calm because now I know that I have no place in her life. She was so in love with him that she couldn't see me at all. In fact, the only person whom she really cares about was him.
Me: I didn't know this. In fact, nobody knew this. I talked to Martin's wife, and she said that they got surprised when they saw you with that boy that night.
She: You hadn't seen him, but others had seen him. He was here several times.
Me: I didn't know that.
She: Do you remember when you wanted to go to San Antonio, and I said that I might join you if my friend decided to come with me. What friend did you think I meant?
Me: I thought a lab-mate or someone else. You said your friend not a boyfriend.
She: What about my Facebook's status. I put there I am in a relationship and many congratulated me.
Me: FB??? Is it a source for these kinds of information? How could I know that?
...
She: What about the other day when we went to the cinema. You asked me to ask my boyfriend, and I said that he was not here.
-------
Kids, this is what happened: (A flash back to that day when I went to a cinema with Nancy)
Me: I am going to go to a movie with my Indian friend. Would you like to join us?
She: Yes, I will.
Me: Very good. I have two more spaces in my car. You can also invite your boyfriend to join us.
She: I wish I could, but he is in another town.
Me thinking to myself: Go daddy! If you had a boyfriend, you would have asked him. You came to the US recently, and you were here all the time. How could you find a boyfriend in another town? Let's see. I can remember that you talked about a trip that you had to a coast one day. Did you find anyone where? No! you are not such a girl. Or you may have someone in your home country? No! It can't be because nobody can keep such a long distance relationship like this. If you had him there, you wouldn't start a PhD for more than four years here. In the worse case, if you had loved someone there, you would see that I am better than anybody else. I got it. You are a girl who would like to pick your love yourself. That's why you pretend that you have a boyfriend. I hope that you will see that I am worth it one day.
-----
She: You should have told me as soon as you felt that you became interested in me. I always felt safe with you. I always considered you as a very good friend. It is only two weeks that I felt that you might love me.
Me: Even I didn't know that. You are right. In fact, it is about two weeks that I decided to talk to you.
She: So, how could you get that far in two weeks?
Me: I don't know. (Kids, I knew, but I couldn't tell her because she couldn't understand. I liked her long before. I don't know when exactly it began, but I knew that it was long ago. In fact, it was two weeks that I decided to talk her seriously, and you know this because I wrote about it in my diary.)
...
Me: You know, I just got shocked. If it didn't happen that night, I could talk to you in a few days, and you could tell me, and it won't hurt that much. I would become upset for a few days, and it was over. But I got shocked because I could never expect such a thing to happen.
She: I am not sure you would talk to me. I bet that you wouldn't tell me in next three months.
Me: You are wrong. I had made my decision to talk to you. I even talked to Henry if I should ask you and he said yes a few weeks ago.
She: You asked him? Why? It is obvious that if you like a girl you should go and tell her.
---
I talked to Henry the other day because I wanted to make sure that it was a right decision. I could remember that Henry said, "International students are very vulnerable here. I think that nobody should get a boyfriend or girlfriend among them unless they are serious and sure about it to some extent. A heartbreak can be ten times worse for an International student."
Kids, she never could understand me. All she care was herself. She never knew that I got hurt because I didn't want her to get hurt. By the way, it is over. Nancy had made her decision, and I think that she made a right choice. Although I know that she will have a hard life, and I didn't want to leave her alone in all those hardships, I let her go because I had no other choice. Kids, this is the end of Nancy's story!
You made a good decision. At least you know it is over and you can continue your own way. Remember even in love and relationships, practice is important. Little by little you get strong and you can cope with such problems. These failures are necessary to make you capable for future. I have a successful love after some failures so I have the experience. Someone said" if you want sth/sb very badly, let it go. If it comes back to you, it will stay with you forever. If not, it had never been yours to begin with. That is all.
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