She: What are you going to talk about?
Me: I am very unset because of you.
She: Me? Did I do anything?
Me: I am going to talk about it.
She: Today I am busy, but I will call you.
It was around 5 pm that she asked to meet me in 30 minutes. I was very nervous. My body have been shaking like being in refrigerator. I was very cold. I sat outside of the cafe building to meet her. Outside was warmer, but I was still shaking while I was in the sunlight. I heard her voice from my back.
She: Hi.
Me: Hi.
She: OK. Let's talk.
Me: What should we talk about? (I was very confused. I didn't know what to say. There was no smile. No intimate eye contact and absolutely no sign of friendship.)
She: You asked me. You said you were upset with me.
Me: Oh, yes. I am. Let's start from here. I would like it to be a friendly conversation. I think that everything is my fault, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It is all me. I am very upset now, and I may say something that make you unhappy. I don't want it to happen. So, if you don't want to listen to me, just let me know. There is no imposition.
She: If you think that the thing you are going to say something that doesn't make anything better, isn't it better not to say that. (I think that She wanted to avoid the conversation, but I didn't. I wanted her to know.)
Me: The problem is with this situation, I can't consider you my friend anymore. If we don't talk, I would remove you completely from my life.
She: Did I do anything wrong to deserve it? I never remove somebody completely from my life. Why you gonna do that?
Me: I need to talk about it. Now, it's your choice if you want to hear it or not.
She: I have my own problems. I prefer not to hear something to add more problems.
Me: In that case, I have nothing to say. I don't want to make you unhappy at all.
She: I think all the things happened is because of misunderstanding.
Me: Maybe, but I should talk about it.
She: Can you tell me the gist of the things only so that I know what it is about.
Me: Gist? I don't know. All the thing is not that big to have a gist.
And I told her about my friend and his son's problem.
Me: I always considered you as a good friend that I can rely on.
She: Me, too. I think that you are a very good friend.
Me: You saw me depressed that night. I expected you to send me a message that day. Just to ask me how do I do.
She: I am a girl. I didn't want to contact you directly. I asked about you several times from Martin's wife.
Me: (WHAT? you were a girl? Weren't you a girl when you called me whenever you needed me?) I don't think that it was that hard to just send me a text. I wanted to talk to you, and you were the only person that I wanted to talk to you.
She: My boyfriend was here for a few days, and I wanted to spend my whole time with him.
Me: (Oh my god, what is she telling me? She couldn't even talk to me for a few minutes because she didn't want to spend her time with anybody other than him? Was it all about him? Was he here the whole week when I was missing her, and she didn't even wanted to ask me if I was OK because of him?) You know, a friend is someone who helps you in trouble.
She: I am very sorry. I think that I should have called you, but I thought that it was nothing important. I thought that it might be because of fasting or something. Was that all it? Is is why I can't be your friend anymore?
Me: It is not. It was just a beginning.
She: So, what is the reason? Am I guilty for not calling you?
Me: Actually, no. I don't know how to say it. (Should I tell her? Come on. Is it what I should say? What will be her reaction? Will she understand? Will she deride me?) You know; I liked you more than what you think, and I couldn't see you getting that boy's hand that night.
She: I knew it. I told you that it was all misunderstanding. He is my boyfriend, and we love each other. I am dedicated to him emotionally... ... logically ... ... Facebook ... ...
I couldn't hear even one word after that. She probably said a few more sentences in praise of her boyfriend, why she should be with her and not me and to condemn me. All I could understand was that she was so in love with her that couldn't see anyone else. She didn't even care about my feelings. She didn't even try to say something that make me calm or help me to forget.
Me: I told you that it was all my fault. I am sorry. I don't say that you did anything wrong. I just couldn't see it like that. I have nothing to say.
She was trying to rationalize her behavior by saying that she had the right to love her boyfriend and not me and I was repeating "It was my mistake. I am sorry. I can't say you did anything wrong." that she left me.
I felt she used me. I felt that I did everything for her to make her boyfriend happy and not her. We bought a car, but she needed that car to give her boyfriend a ride. I got her apartment, but she needed that apartment to host her boyfriend. She was so in love with him that ...
I felt that she condemned me in her mind because of this conversation. "Why did you tell me this? There is no way back. I had my own troubles here, and now I have one more." She thought to herself, and she left me without a farewell. I wanted to call her back and ask her to stay. I wanted her to talk to me. I wanted her to tell me why. I wanted her to understand me. I wanted her to explain me ...
I knew that we couldn't be together anymore, but I didn't want to see her unhappy. I called Martin's wife, and I asked her to go to her home today and take care of her. I know that Nancy is an intrinsic person. She doesn't say much, but there was a deep sadness inside her after our conversation. Marin's wife asked me about the things that happened, and I imposed to explain her. She was very kind to me and she promised me to take care of her tonight. I texted Nancy, and I apologized her, but she never replied.
I was like a death body after that. I was guilty and not guilty at the same time. She was very right when she said logically she should be in love with him; she should love someone who she can see a future with him. But when you like someone a lot, you forget these "logically" things. In one hand, I knew that my relationship with her would go no where. On the other hand, I really liked her; I wanted to bring all those happiness being with her back. Was I in love with her? I still can't believe it.
Where are you tonight to see all my tears?
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