After 4th of July

I got home around 11:15 pm. I hadn't have anything since 5 a.m., but I was not hungry anymore. I said my prayer, but I couldn't eat anything. It was like I couldn't feel my body. I decided to talk to Nancy and ask her to remove me from her life completely. I texted her to see if she had arrived, but I got no response. I checked her FB to see if she had that boy in her friends, but her friend's list was blocked. I unfriended her, and I removed her contact information from my phone, and I decided to ask her to do that tomorrow for me. I went to my bed, and I had nothing in my mind. I was thoroughly shocked. I couldn't believe every moment of tonight.

I woke up 3 in the morning. "Am I alive? How? What's happened to me? I can't feel anything. I had a bad dream about Nancy last night. What's happened?" I thought to myself. I looked at my phone blinking. I had a new message. It was from Nancy. "Yes. We did. How about you?" she had written.

"Oh my God! It was not a dream. It was real. It is the answer of my message that I sent her before going to bed." I thought to myself, and I remembered everything. I was not still hungry. I couldn't sleep, so I just prayed. I couldn't eat anything. I didn't event try. It was about 24 hours that I didn't eat anything.

"What a perfect night! What a perfect place to be for fourth of July! What a friend! Did she really call me to go there and watch her getting her boyfriend's hand? Who does such a thing? Am I really her friend? If I was her enemy, what else she could do to cause me such a pain? O' God! Is that what you want? Why?" I thought to myself while I was in my bed. I don't know when I slept.

I woke up in the morning. I felt I was light. I had no tear in my eyes. Perhaps, I was still shocked or I forgot. It couldn't be real. Could it? "Even a fictional story-teller won't write such a thing in a fictional story. Who wants to read a story that a boy comes out of no where and becomes the boyfriend of innocent girl who was trying to tell the main character indirectly that she likes him?" I thought to myself.

I saw my home owner before leaving the house. He easily figured out that I was not like my before today. "What's wrong? It is fourth of July. It was day of freedom. You should be happy," he said. I had nothing to tell him. His brother doesn't let him to ask me more questions. They wanted to fix some problems of the house, and they just wanted to inform me.

I went to school, and I had many papers to grade. I couldn't finish the grading last night. I started to grade things. I was unhappy, but it was OK. Perhaps, I was still shocked. I uploaded last night's pictures to Dropbox and sent Nancy and Martin its link. I wanted to finish my friendship with her. I made a conversation in my mind. I wanted to remind her all the things that I did for her and ask her to never call me or see me again in return. So, I sent her a message, and I asked her if she had a few minutes to talk to me. It was 11:30 am, but I got no answer. I started to do my job, and I started to listen to sad music. I got tired, and I decided to look at the pictures that I took last night more carefully. It turned out to be a very bad decision. I looked at her picture sitting next to her boyfriend getting his hand watching fireworks. Suddenly, I remembered everything, and I blow up. I started to cry very hardly.

It was 12:50 pm that she called me, but I was crying so badly, and I couldn't answer my phone. She called me again, and I rejected her call. Third time, I sent her a message, and I said I can't talk now. I expected her to text me to continue the conversation, but I got no answer. "Why does she call me? Did she concern about me? Why doesn't she answer my message? Is there anything important she wanted to tell me?" I asked myself. I was grading the papers when I was crying and thinking about her. It was 1:47 pm that I got a message from her. She had sent a general message and asked friends to join a laser-tag event tonight. She probably had fun that night, and wanted to take her boyfriend to have fun together. I couldn't face her. I said my prayer, and I declined her offer at 2:51 pm (after about an hour). I expected her to ask me why or at least say something, but she didn't reply.

I graded the first series of the assignment, and I took a rest. Only a few students were in the cafe today. I looked at the pictures again, and I couldn't stop my crying. This time was harder than any other time. "Why did you do that to me? Why did you call me to go and see you hugging your boyfriend? What will you do next time? Will you invite me for Halloween to see you making out with him? What did I do to you to deserve this pain? Did I do anything wrong? Oh, that's it. I may did something bad to her, and she is taking a revenge. Let me ask her." I thought to myself while I was crying badly all the time. It was 6:46 pm that I sent her a message: "Did I ever do anything bad to you?"
She: "What do you mean? I can't understand your purpose." (6:53 pm)
Her answer made me a little calm. I didn't cry for a while to continue the conversation.
Me: "I have no purpose. It was a question in my mind that I wanted to ask you."
She: "No. I didn't see any bad from you." (Very politely)
Me: "Thanks. I wanted to make sure."
She: "Why did you ask this question?"

I didn't reply because I thought that my previous message answered this question.
She: "Why did you ask this question?" (7:12 pm)
"Does she care? Is it really important? Will she ask me how I am doing today? Will she come here to talk to me to make me calm? Will she understand what a pain she caused to me? Am I important to her?" I thought to myself.
Me: "I wanted to make sure or I don't know." (7:13 pm)

I waited, and I waited for her answer. I planned many conversations in my mind, but she never answered me. It was not important to her at all. She probably was busy planning tonight's lasertag with her boyfriend. She probably never knew what she did to me.

I cried countless hours today. I cried like a cloud in a cloudy rainy day. I came home, and it was more than 40 hours that I hadn't have anything; however, I was not hungry. I went to bathroom and throw up water and acid. I didn't want to eat anything, but a bad pain in my belly forced me to do that. I scared to become sick and remain with no money spending for medical care in a foreign country; so, I ate a brief dinner. I came and I wrote these two posts. I cried a lot while I was writing my previous post, and she probably had fun with his boyfriend playing lasertag in the same time. It is about 2 am that I finished these two posts, and I am very tired. I am heading off to my bed, but I still can't believe it, and there are so many questions in my mind.