Arboretum

I called Marvin and Micheal and another friend to go out today. We went to the arboretum because today was the last day in the summer that they had discounted tickets. It was very hot today, but I enjoyed walking there.

Then, we went next to the lake, and we saw the lake. I enjoyed driving around the beautiful nature of lake.

We got orange juice from TomThumb store near the lake, and we drank it there.

I am very tired these days. I try to not to work on weekends. I wanted to go San Diego to see my friend and Shirley, but I couldn't. I should finish my project first. I have no other choice. If I go on a vacation, my mind would be busy with my project.

I wish I could marry Shirley and not to get any girlfriend. I don't have any good feeling about having Shani as a girlfriend. In fact, I don't have any feeling, so it is neutral if she wants to be my girlfriend or she doesn't. 

Downtown clubs again - a red-dressed girl

We went to downtown clubs again tonight. I read some articles about the club's culture to know more about it. Marvin didn't come with us; so, I and Micheal went there together. This time was very different. The number of girls was more than the number of boys. There was a very handsome boy there. All girls were screaming and craving for him, and he knew it. He danced with many girls tonight.

Among them was also a very beautiful girl with a red dress. I liked her, and I wanted to dance with her. I got closer to her.  I put my hands around her shoulder from the back, and she let me dance for a few seconds like that, and she didn't have any complain. Her protective friend noticed me, and she pushed me, and I kept a distance from that girl. A few minutes later, we got closer to each other again. She danced in front of me while I could see her face, and she could see mine. When we got a little closer, a boy pushed me to keep distance from her. I don't know who was he. It's happened one more time. We were face to face, and I opened my hands, and she into my hands, and it didn't take more than 3 seconds and two boys pushed me hard, and I lost her in the crowd. She was the only girl whom I liked to dance with tonight.

When the bar closed, and they turned the lights on, I saw that red-dressed girl with that handsome tall boy. I knew what was going on there. He opened a bottle for her, and all other girls were so jealous.

We talked in the car about tonight. Micheal said that he danced with several girls tonight. He was very happy. "I think that we are learning many things here. I figured out that I am not that awkward, and at least some girls like me, and they come to dance with me," he said.
Me: "Are you crazy? You are tall, and you are handsome to many girls. Did you understand it tonight only? But I should admit that tonight was very great. I danced with that red-dressed girl."
He: Who? There was only one red-dressed girl, and she was super gorgeous. Everybody wanted to dance with her.
Me: Yes. That was her. I opened my arms, and she came into my hand, and I hugged her lightly.
He: WOOOW. She was very top girl (شاخ). You just go after top girls.
Me: She was the only girl whom I wanted to dance with tonight. But her friend, and some other boys didn't let her get closer to me. I don't know why. She wanted to dance with me; otherwise, she had this choice to ignore me, but she didn't do that.
He: Come on! All boys were craving for her there. But you did a very great thing. I couldn't even think about her. As I said, I think that we have our own attractiveness for American girls. You saw it yourself, too. I can see that the changes in you, and it's a very good change because it is happening very lightly. In a period of my life, I changed a lot, and I wish I didn't.
Me: But I can't see any change in myself. I see, but not in the ground beliefs.

For the first time, I enjoyed dancing in these bars. Even though music was loud and disturbing, dancing with someone whom I liked was a great feeling.

A friend's house

We went to a friend's house tonight for dinner. Henry and Natalia were there, too. A friend of Henry who came from Seattle was also there, but I didn't like him at all; so, I didn't talk to him much. I loved Natalia's pottage.

A Chinese girl played guitar, and an Indian boy sang Indian songs with the music. We listened to them for about an hour. She sang two Taylor's song, too. An American boy who was in love with Taylor said, "Oh my god. She is my Taylor!"
"Your Taylor??? So, what am I doing here in the US? She is everybody's Taylor," I thought to myself.
I wish I could sing there. I may do that one day. Then they played some music from Youtube, too. I liked this one, but I can't remember its name.

It was a good night overall. I didn't let Natalia to get closer to me, and I think that she got it.

Marvin's birthday

Marvin contacted me several times to join his birthday party. I had tried to avoid Nancy's boyfriend all the time, but I think that I am completely over it; so, I accepted Marvin's offer to go for his birthday. He had invited many friends, and the house was completely full. Among them, there were two pretty Indian girls. Marvin said that he liked one of them and that's why he invited her, but he was too shy to tell her. I tried to give him some suggestions, but I was not probably the right guy for this.

I didn't talk to Nancy's boyfriend, and I was completely relaxed about it. It was almost 11:00 pm that they started to dance. As soon as they opened the bottle of wine, I left the place. I didn't want to experience the same bad feelings that I got after that Bollywood dance night.

Does she like me?

I sent her several texts, and I got no answer. I wonder if she likes me or not. I hate when she doesn't answer me. Today she said that her phone was broken, and that was the reason that she couldn't answer me.

She: When can I bring your bowl?
Me: Tomorrow, and if you are not busy, I would like to go out tomorrow.
She: I am sorry; so asked me late, and somebody reserved me :) What's up?
Me: I didn't ask you late. You hadn't answered me earlier. How long are you reserved for?
She: Until Monday.
Me: :(  Who reserved you? Could you cancel it?
She: What's your plan?
Me: I don't have a specific plan. I would like to go to a friend's house. It's pot lck dinner. Could I talk to you tonight?
She: About what?
Me: If you are not tired, I can come there. About important topics! :)
She: No. I am not home. What are you going to talk about?
She: What is this important topic?
Me: (Is she crazy or she is playing with me? Doesn't she know? I already told her several times. Is it an excuse? What is in her mind?) Since you can't make it, and we can't talk, it's nothing. Whenever you got free, let's go out and talk.
She: Ok

The whole week I tried to contact her, and she didn't reply, and now she has an excuse to avoid me. I can't understand her at all. Did she lie to me the other day? Does she really like me? I think that I am making a wrong decision about her.

Ice-cream day - Hoping to see Alison

Seeing Alison yesterday, and not hearing from Shani made me think about Alison more than before. Why shouldn't I know her? She is a million times better than Shani. I went to another welcome week event with a friend hoping to see Alison there. In the line, there was a girl next to us who had a very unique hair style. She was not my type of girl, but I wanted to know her. However, since my friend was there, and he wanted to talk to me, I didn't talk to that girl.

I remembered that Natalia likes ice-cream. I invited her to come and join us, but she was busy.

I got an ice-cream for her full of toppings the way she likes it, but she had gone home when I called her. Later, I felt that she likes me, and I shouldn't have called her tonight. I don't want to disturb her at all. She is not my type of girl at all. 

First conversation with Alison - Helping a friend rest of the day

I contact Shani several times, and I got no answer. I was going to see a friend in Visitor Center that I ran into Alison. I saw her coming from the far toward me. "Ooooh, it's her. Wow. Let me talk to her. Today or never," I thought to myself.

Me: Hi. Do you know where visitor center is?
She: Hi. I think you should go straight, and it's on your left.
Me: Where? over there?.... (Just trying to see her more!!!)
She: Yes.
Me: Is it in this building?
She: Yes. It's in this building.
Me: OK. Thanks.

I know where visitor center is. I just wanted to talk to her. She was super gorgeous. I less than 30 seconds talking to her, I got a fantastic feeling.

I helped rest of the day helping my friend to rent a car, and we talked in the pub, and we ate something there. I was very busy today, but he really needed help; so, I helped him the whole day. He is going to study in UTArlington.

New year and many new girls :)

I met Ann today again. She was with one of her new friends. She is still awesome to me. I can recognize her among thousand of the girl by just one look (the same as Taylor!). Since she has a boyfriend, I didn't want to bother her at all, so we didn't talk.

I can say that I saw at least 6 new interesting girls this year. Last year, I just had Ann and Luna, but it seems that this year is very different.

I saw Alison playing ping pong tonight

I texted Shani today to have a meeting.

Me: If your color has dried, let's go out today.
She: I am sorry. I have a guest this weekend.
Me: So, why did you say that you don't know the reason of change you want in your life :0
She: No, it was unrelated.
Me: If your guest is a boy it was related, but you didn't know it!

She didn't reply my text anymore. If I was a girl, and I liked a boy, I would definitely reply him to make him sure that he was the only boy in my life, but she didn't do this. She didn't say anything last night, too. Our conversation made me very depressed today. I really wanted to talk to her, but I have to wait for more than a week now. I hate waiting for unknown unexpected things.

I saw Alison tonight. She came with her friend. Let's call her Alison's friend. They played ping pong. I sat outside of the place, and I watched her playing with her friend.

"I am not wrong about her," I thought, "she is one of the most amazing girls in the world. She is just awesome. Look at her beautiful smile. Shani is nothing like her. Nothing even close to her. Look at her beautiful happy and free soul. I wish she was my girlfriend."

I watched her for more than half an hour. I wanted to go inside, and talk to her or her friend, but I thought that it was very unfair. "I already told Shani that I liked her. The only remained step is to go out for one more time, and we can start a relationship. It's unfair to go and talk to another girl. It's true that she is awesome, but... If things didn't work between me and Shani, then I can find her here again. She probably loves ping pong, and I can see her again here. In addition, I am depressed today; I don't want her to see me like this," I thought to myself, and it prevented me to even go and talk to her.

I went after them unintentionally, and I watched them from the very far going to the on-campus houses. I knew that many new students are living there. I hope to see her again. She is better than any other girl in our university. Thinking of her and seeing her made me to be happy again. I forgot my depression, and I was full of good feelings again.

(The time I write this post, I think that I was very stupid that day. Wait for the rest of the story!) 

Shani became nicest girl on the planet to me

It was 3:49 pm that I got a text from Shani.

Shani: Hello. How do you do? Is 4:20 pm a good time to go?
Me: Hi. Thanks. Yes. I will meet you in the department.
Shani: I am still home. Can you come here or I should come?
Me: (Really? We had lots of misunderstandings because I went to your home, and now you ask me to go there for absolutely no reason? What's the matter?) My car is in the parking lot. Come there 4:20.
Shani: OK :) Don't be late. If I got there late, I will be fined for it.
Me: (She sends me happy smilies. It seems that she is OK today.) No. I will be on time. In the worse case, you will pay for the fine! (joking)
Shani: No ;(
Me: Don't worry. We will be on time.
Shani: OK ;)

Something is different about her. It seems that she forgot what happened last week. Let's see. I couldn't do anything until then.

I saw her from the far in the parking lot. "Wow. She looks different and amazing. What's wrong with her?" I thought to myself.
Me: Hi.
She: Hi. You are late again.
Me: It is not late. Let's go. Would you drive?
She: Give me the key! :)

She was incredibly nice to me. She spoke very kindly and warmly.

Do you like my hair style?
Me: Yes. It looks great.
She: It is the first time that I chose this style. It was a risk because I didn't know if it suits me or not.
Me: To me, it looks amazing.

...

Me: Where are we going?
She: It's a surprise.
Me: I know. Are you going to get tanned?
She: How do you know that?
Me: I searched the address in the Internet.
She: Yes. I do.
Me: No way! Why?
She: I am super white. I always wanted to be tanned for years. This place is the best in our town.
Me: Everybody loves white :) Are you going to make yourself like sun burnt.
She: No. I like tan. All celebrities do that. It is not for low class people like you!
Me: All celebrities are wrong [excluding Taylor]. They are just crazy.


She: I felt that I need a change in my life. This week I was trying to change myself for no obvious reason. I bought different clothes. I went to a massage bar on Monday. I am going to get tanned today. But please don't laugh at me if it was not good.
Me: I will laugh. (me laughing loud!) It is funny. You will be completely black!
She: No. Not black. Just tanned.
Me: OK. It is funny. People buy whitening creams to get white, and you are going to pay for getting darker.
She: You are so bad! I always wanted to be tanned. In addition, it is temporary. It is only for 10 days. In the worse case, I would stay in my room for ten days.
Me: (Laughing very loudly) You are funny!
She: Please don't laugh at me.
Me: I can't. I imagine you being black. Anyway, I like white better.

...

We got there early. It was not hard to find a parking space. The store was a small store in the middle of the city. A middle-aged lady talked to Shani. "You arrived super early... I am going to use this 8-hours lotion for you. Afterwards, you should go home and wear slack clothes and rest."

I brought my camera out of my pocket to take her picture. "Before operation! " I said, "and we will see after operation soon!" and she laughed. She was a surprise. Not only she didn't complain about it, but she smiled and encouraged me to do that. I could remember the last time in that restaurant, she said mockingly, "you take picture of everything," and derided me. "I know what to do with you if you laugh at me after that," she said, and she went to the other room. Her voice was begging me to support her.

I sat there waiting for her and thinking about her. "I like her, but should I tell her? I expected to ask her out for tonight. We could go somewhere and talk. We could be together, but now she should go home and rest. Look at this girl. She is also pretty. Isn't she better than Shani? She is American. I can improve my language. I think that I will never marry Shani because she is very different from my perfection. I mean she is good, but Taylor... Shani cares only about herself and not others. She is not sentimental. I tested her several times, and she didn't pass many of them." I thought to myself, and I decided to talk to the other girl to spend my time properly.

Me: Hi. I am Woody. What is your name?
She: I am Natalie. (smiling)
Me: Are you here to get tanned?
She: Yes, I am.
Me: Why?
She: You are super pretty. Why are you going to get tanned?
She: (pleased and smiled) Thank you. Because I like it.
Me: I took my friend here to get tanned, too.
She: Really?
Me: Yes. What are you doing? Facebook?
She: Yes.
Me: Are you living here? (She was bored)
She: No. I am from Ohio.
Me: Wow. You came all this way to Texas to get tanned?
She: No. I didn't. I came with my mom. She is on a business trip.
Me: I see.

And that lady came, and interrupted our conversation.

Shani came out of the room. She had no significant change!
She: I didn't change at all. I am still white.
Me: No. You are a little darker.
She: I wish I had selected a darker color. I wanted to be more tanned.
Me: Don't worry. You look good.

The guy asked Shani to come to his desk and pay the price. Afterwards, he started to repeat what that lady told us to Shani. I was two steps behind Shani.

He: You shouldn't take a shower for eight hours. It will be darker until then. Wear a lack dress, and put a sheet on your bed because it's color, and it spreads over. Put something between you and him (pointing to me), It may spread over him, too.

He said that, and it was close that I blow out of laughter. He was trying to suggest her not to sleep with me tonight :) I really wanted to see Shani's reaction, but her face was toward him. I couldn't hear the rest of his words. "OK. Let's go," she said to me. We came out of the store, and I opened my camera to take a picture.

Shani: Please take my picture. Please! I would like to see how different I got.
Me: (She spoils herself to me to take her picture. What's wrong with her today?) We should go inside. The light is different. You can't compare pictures.
Shani: Take it now.
...

I took several pictures of her, and she was very happy. We headed off toward the university.

We were near that bar that we went the other day, and I said, "I should go back here tonight! It's not fair." She said, "why?" I said, "Because you should go home. I planned to go there with you tonight."

We talked about tanning in the highway. I laughed a lot. It was kind funny to me that people pay to change their color! Remembering that guys words also funny to me. I imagined that I slept with her tonight, and my hands traced are all over her body tomorrow morning. She couldn't go out for ten days because she would become the funnies contemporary art of the year.

She: Why are you laughing?
Me: I can't tell you now. Sorry.
...
She: I read their website last night, and I laughed a lot.
Me: Why?
She: It was funny. They wrote something bad I can't say.
A few seconds silence.
She: It was not that bad. I can say it. They wrote that you shouldn't do anything to perspire like playing sports or being in a warm room and sex. ... sex! They think that everybody is like them to have it every night.
I just smiled, and I didn't say anything. She should feel very comfortable with me that talks about this to me. I don't know if she could talk about it to anyone else or not.

...

She: I am hungry. Don't you mind if we go to Target to buy something before going home?
Me: No problem, but if you are hungry, we can go to a restaurant to eat out.
She: Do you know bubble drink? We can go and drink there.
Me: I don't drink.
She: It's not an alcoholic one. It's good.
Me: OK, but if you are really hungry, we can go for food. Dinner on me.
...
She drove to that place. "If it is on you, so let's go to a Chinese restaurant first. I was here with my friends one time, and I think that it was good," she said, and we went there.

I liked the environment.
She: Do you eat pork?
Me: NO.
She: But it is very delicious. You don't want to try it?
Me: Not at all.
She: It is religious or your personal preference?
Me: religious.
She: So, you won't change your decision. What do you like to eat?
Me: Whatever you like.
She: OK. Let's order two dishes together. One vegetables and one chicken.

She: May I look at the pictures in your camera?
Me: OK. Take it. I am going to go to the bathroom.

A few minutes later.

She: I always thought that why you are taking these pictures, but now I think that it is amazing. You have a picture of every memories you had. My uncle does the same. He has many pictures, too. Hey, it's me. I look great here. ... Oh my god, that's me from the behind. I am excited. I had never seen myself from the back :) please send me pictures of today. My family is curious to see it. Send me the pictures of Justin's wife birthday, too. I like them. How do you like my dress here?
Me: It's not good.
She: O :(  

There was no sign of disagreement at all. Not only she didn't disagree with me, but she tried to make herself spoiled for me to convince me that I was wrong.

Me: I didn't say that it was bad. I think that you could wear better dress. For example, I like your today's dress. When I saw you in the parking lot, I said Wow! What a dress she wore today.
She: This is my worse dress. I wear it at home usually or for working out.
and under her lips she said, "got it, you like black dresses" (She was wrong, but I didn't say anything)
Me: I like sport dresses better. Your dress here is not sport. That's why I think that it was not good.
She: For more than seven years, I wore sport dresses. I wanted to make a change in my life, and I bough many of these classy dresses. Have you noticed this pretty pink tape around its bottom? You didn't. Isn't it beautiful?
Me: It is. I didn't notice it. I didn't say that this dress is bad. I just said that I didn't like it that much.

She tried to show me that she didn't want to disagree with me with her eyes and changing tone. I was just surprised. "Is she the same girl who I went out with her a few nights ago?" I thought in my mind, "hopefully, I know her other side. I think that I am very right that I don't show my interest to a girl from the very beginning. She could represent herself in a way she is doing now, and I could never see her other attitudes. I could easily be trapped by such a manner. Anyway, she is nice, and I like it."

The food was kind of new, and I liked it. The chicken's taste was sauce, but it was good. When the waiter brought the bill, she put her hand in her bag, and bring her credit card out and surprised me one more time today. "Is she the same girl who got angry when I didn't pay for her that night?" I thought.

Me: No. I pay for the food. You pay for the drink as we agreed.
She: OK.

The environment was very good and Chinese! I think that it was my first time in a Chinese restaurant, and I liked it.

We went to another place to get a drink. The drink was completely new to me. It was called bubble something. We sat there, and she started to talk about herself. I couldn't believe that she started to show off to make me interested in her. She started to show her pictures in her cellphone. I remembered Natalia who did exactly the same that night in the art museum. It seems that it is a pattern that girls try to show their best works and pictures and talk about their life. She showed me many pictures of herself, and her paintings, and her traveled places and her home and room.

Me: You have many good pictures in your phone that it is not in your FB.
She: Yes. I don't like to upload all my photos there.

...

Me: I want to talk to you about a very serious thing.
She: What's that?
Me: It's about last week.
She: Please forget it. [Look at me how nice I am today. If I made a mistake I am so sorry. Just forgive me and forget it. I don't want to talk about it. pleeeeaaaase....]

She acted in a way that made me change my mind completely. "I think that I can accept her as a girlfriend for a while," I thought to myself, "she is not my perfection, but at least she likes me. Look at her; she is trying hard to convince me that she is a nice girl for me. I am confused if I should ask her or not. Time flies very fast. We should go home soon, and I should tell her before leaving, but... She is very different today. She is pretending that she is someone else. I accepted her the way that she was before. What should I do now? Let's ask her if she has a boyfriend or not."

Me: Who was that boy in that picture?
She: Who? He is my brother.
Me: Not this one. The other one.
She: (Changing pictures very fast) This one?
Me: Yes.
She: He is a very very good friend. I know him for more than four years. He came here a few months ago, too.

Honestly, I hadn't seen that photo at all. I didn't even expect her to talk about another boy. Who the hell was he? What was he doing here?

Me: Are you in a relationship?
She: It's like asking Facebook status? ... No. I am not. Where is my relationship?!
Me: I don't know. Just asking...

I heard this from her mind: "Now you know that I don't have a boyfriend. Ask me to be your girlfriend. If you don't do that today, I would never let you to have sex with me. Today is your last chance. What are you waiting for? ASK ME......."

She showed me some more pictures.

"OK. Let's go. It's late. I should go home. She said not to stay out for a few hours," she said, and she turned her cellphone off, and packed her things up.
Me: Wait. I haven't had my drink yet. Let' finish this.

I just wanted to buy more time to think about talking to her or not. My conclusion was that I couldn't ask her for a relationship today. At first, I was not sure about her religion. Secondly, I needed more time to see what she wants from a relationship if she was interested. Thirdly, I might need more time to think about her; she was very different today. Even though she was very nice, it was a kind of dishonesty, and dishonesty is the biggest red flag for me. But I thought it is not a bad idea to let her know that I like her and ask her for a time to talk.

Me: You know what Ms. Shani? I really like you...
(Between my words) She: A heart has a path to another heart (implicitly said that she likes me)
Me: And I would like to be more with you...
She: If time allows ...
Me: I would like to talk to you more seriously about it later.
She: Let's see.

And we entered the car. I put some music from Omid, and she really liked it.


It was like she was my girlfriend, and she wanted to show off herself to me. Today was the best day that I had with Shani, but it was not like the other day when I was with Nancy. She was the nicest girl on the planet to me today. However, my heart couldn't fly with her because I was in doubt from her. She had been changed a lot. She was not that selfish girl anymore, but who is her real self? How does she see me? Another boy to please her for a while and throw away after she got sick of me? A game changer? A chance to leave her current life and build a new life? ... These questions filled my mind after I left her.

So nervous about tonight

I am going to give Shani a ride to a place near downtown today at 4:30 pm, and I am very nervous. I didn't do anything since morning, and I still can't focus on my work. I may talk to her tonight, but I don't know what is going to happen. Seeing her with that Indian boy, not answering my requests for talking to her, being weird in asking me to give her a ride after all these really made me confused about what to do regarding her.

In one hand, I like to be with her because I feel comfortable with her. On the other hand, I don't like her selfishness. In addition, she was not grateful to me, and she condemn me for absolutely no valid reason. I asked her several times to talk to me, and she never replied to my requests. In addition, I don't want to be in a relationship with a girl who doesn't care about the person who is going to sleep with (I mean that Indian boy).

I may ask her to to go on a date tonight, and she may accept, and we may spend the night together. Or she may have a serious reaction. I feel that she is prepared to do something very unexpected to me. I am very scared about tonight. I say this because her texting style was completely different in these a few days.

This is scenario 1:

Me: Are you in a relationship?
Shani: Yes. I am. Why?
Me: Just asking.

This is scenario 2:
Me: Are you in a relationship?
Shani: Why are you asking?
Me: I would like to know.
Shani: It's none of your business.
Me: OK.

This is scenario 3:
Me: Are you in a relationship?
Shani: I knew it. You are such a rude stupid boy. What do you think about me? Do you think I am a prostitute?
Me: NOOOO.
Shani: Go away. I hate you for the rest of my life.

This is scenario 4:
Me: Are you in a relationship?
Shani: It is related to my privacy. What is in your mind?
Me: I know. I wanted to ask you for a date.
Shani: I hate you. What do you think?
Me: OK :(

This is scenario 5:
Me: Are you in a relationship?
Shani: No, and I don't want to be (specially with you)
Me: OK.

This is scenario 6:
Me: Are you in a relationship?
Shani: (Finally! I gonna kill you now.) No. Why?
Me: I am going to ask you for a date.
Shani: Go away (very bad word censored). I trusted you, and you looked at me like a [very bad word again]. Who are you? (Crying)
...

This is scenario 7:
Me: Are you in a relationship?
Shani: I would rather not to answer this question.  You are not allowed to investigate my life.
Me: But it is important to me.
Shani: Why?
Me: It is because I would like to ask you out.
Shani: I am not interested in you at all. You are just a friend. In other words, You were a friend. What do you think? You very kind to me to ...
Me: OK. Sorry.

This is scenario 8:
Me: Are you in a relationship?
Shani: No. I am not. [silence]
Me: Don't you mind if I ask you out for a date?
Shani: Do you like me?
Me: Yes.
Shani: OK. Let's talk.

This is scenario 9:
Me: Are you in a relationship?
Shani: No. I am not. Are you?
Me: No. Would you like to be my date tonight?
Shani: No problem.


-----------------------------
There are three categories:

1- She gets angry and starts a rude conversation.
2- She expects this and she politely rejects.
3- She expects this and accept..

Consequences:
1-A- She stops being a friend. Lots of tension.

2-A- She stops being a friend.
2-B- She continues friendship, but she wants me not to ask her again.

3-A- She hates me and is looking for a revenge. She makes the worse night.
3-B- She is not sure about the date, and she rejects me on a date because we are not good together.
3-C- She likes it and she takes one step (or more) forward.
3-D- She likes it, but we can't go anything further because there is no agreement between us.

After this analysis, I think that I should talk to her about her relationship tonight. It hurts if she goes through the first category or 3-A, and it may even stop our friendship forever, but I think that there is no other way. The chances of me being with her after tonight is less than 5%. I know that this chance isn't worse the hurt it may cause (that has 40% probability), but nobody knows.

My final decision is to talk to her. She can't be my girlfriend unless she shows me something different about herself. I would like to have a faithful person (or at least an English speaker) as a girlfriend. I would like to date Luna or Ann who had many boyfriends, but they were serious about them, but not a girl who doesn't care about the person who is in the relationship with her. This is the most important thing that I should know about Shani tonight.

A chat with Shani

I decided to talk to Shani, and let her know that I like her in person. So, I sent her a text in the morning at 10:00 am.

Me: Hi. Is my bowl doing well?
She: Hi. I will call you whenever I came.
Me: Don't rush. I can get it tonight. Additionally, I would like to talk for a few minutes.

She didn't answer my text. I waited for a long time, but she didn't say anything. She probably knew what I wanted to talk to her about. I had no idea about her reaction.

It was 7:03 pm that I got a text from her.

She: Are you available tomorrow at 4:00 pm? I have something to do in downtown, and I wanted to know if I can ask you.
Me: Yes, sure.
And she sent me the address, and we set a time for tomorrow. It was obvious that we could meet tomorrow alone, so I didn't ask her to give my bowl back today.

It was very unfair to me that I like her, and she likes me, and she was about to choose an Indian boyfriend because I couldn't tell her that I liked her. I think that she likes me that she asked me for a ride. She could forget me or never contact me again. I wanted to discuss with her about her text messages today, but I decided to postpone everything to tomorrow.

I had a very long conversation with my cousin in Iran about Shani. She said that it was my mistake that I hadn't told her that night. "Since you were together alone, it was a date. You should have paid for her drink, and you should have told her that night. If she wasn't into you, she would never go out with you alone. In addition, she didn't have any commitment to you that you expected her not to date any other boy," she told me. She was right to some extend, and her words encouraged me to think about Shani more seriously one more time.

Movie night on campus

There was a movie night tonight. I like to go to the university events to meet new people. We were in the line to get food that a second generation Chinese girl approached me. She started to talk to me about herself. She was a dancer, and it was her second year being in our school. Something interesting happened when we were in the line. We were near the speaker that they turned the music on. I said in my mind, "Oh my god! what a harsh song," and I wanted to put my fingers in my ears, but she started to smile and dance with that song. We were very different. I don't know why, but sometimes a random girl approaches me and shows lots of interest, and I have no feelings for her, and I can't accept her. She was a good girl, but she wasn't a girl whom I could think about her. I rather choose Patricia than her. In the movie, she came to us again, and asked my name. "I sat there," she said. I think that she wanted me to go and sit next to her, but I didn't want.

Micheal came and sat next to me. The movie was not watchable! It was dark, and I could barely hear the voices. I went to the cafe to see if any other event is there or not that I saw Nancy and her boyfriend playing with Alexander and some other friends. I didn't want to face with her boyfriend at all. I felt emotionally vulnerable. So, I left there. In my way, I saw Martin's wife and Camellia. We talked for a few minutes, and I go back to the movie. It was very boring. So, we left the place before watching even its 30 minutes.

Shani sent me a text at 8:29 pm where I was in the movie.
She: Your bowl in is my lab. Let me know whenever you wanted to go home.
I replied 9:41 pm.
Me: I am going home now.
I got no reply, so I came home. I didn't want to see her, too.
She: Sorry, it's too late. Tomorrow. (10:09 pm)
Me: OK. I came home, too. You didn't know the value of my bowl, but no worries; it can stay with you one more night. (I meant that she didn't know the value of my heart implicitly to let her think of me if there still a chance to be together)

I think that I should just shake it off!

I watched Taylor's new single "Shake it off!" It's a real masterpiece. I hope that her new album to be a new masterpiece. At least, I like this song, and I like her new hair style and outfit. She has changed a lot, but I still can understand her.



I watched the show, and I thought that I should "shake it off" about Shani. She is just getting annoying in my mind. She saw me, and she had no reaction that day. I can find many girls better than her. I just chose her because she was in my social circle, and I already spent lots of time with her, and she should have known me well. If she doesn't know my value, she should be the most stupid girl of the world.

Seeing Shani with another boy

I was very tired today. I went to the gym to work out. When I was going back to the parking lot, I saw a girl who was very similar to Shani from the far. She was with a boy. It was dark, and I couldn't see them both well. "Is she Shani's doppelganger? I don't want to think that it wasn't Shani if it was her. So, I should see if she is Shani or not," I thought to myself, and I changed my path a little to face them. They were walking hand-in-hand. I got closer to them. It was Shani. She saw me, and she smiled.

Me: Hi.
She: Hi. (smiling)
Me: What's up?
She: Not much!

I turned to that boy, and I said hi. He was looking at me like a horse. "Who is he? I have never seen him before. Shani smiles; she is not ashamed for what she does. What is happening her. Somebody should tell me." I thought to myself.
"I said hi," I said to him again.
"Why doesn't he answer me? Is he rude? What's wrong with him?" I thought to myself.
"He is not Persian," Shani said.

"Aha! He is not Persian. OK. Whatever. Have a good night!" I said, and I left them. "He is not Persian. It was obvious. He was a dirty Indian boy. Is she crazy? Doesn't she know that I like her? Didn't I say it clearly? Why does she do this to me?" I thought to myself. I felt very very bad about Shani after that. "They could be lab mates or anything. I shouldn't judge people based on what I really don't know about them. I shouldn't let my heart pass wrong judgement on someone. Let's send her a message to let her know that I still like her," I thought to myself, and I sent her an empty text message. I just wanted to mean that I have nothing to say. I turned my mobile off to not to get any answer from her. I was very bad, and I didn't want to make any decision. I came home, and I thought about it.

"Even if he is boy whom she may like, they definitely met recently. It's nothing going on between them. I made a mistake by not asking her to be my girlfriend the other day; I should let her know that I still like her. Let her decide whatever she wants to decide. OK. Let's fix my empty message first," I thought to myself, and I turned my mobile on. She didn't reply anything to my empty message. She could ask me the reason or anything else, but she didn't. I sent her another text: "Hi. Sorry, my mobile died. I wanted to say if my bowl is still in your privacy because bring it back one day; I don't need it now though." (I am so sorry that I wrote such a rude message. I meant exactly what I wrote.)
"Sure," she answered immediately.

All I think is that this girl is crazy. She can have me, and she plays with other boys. Who prefers a dirty Indian over a decent awesome boy like me? Let's see what will she decide. I give her this chance to change her mind and come back to me. Otherwise, I don't care what kind of jerk she wants to sleep with.

I watched Love Actually

Love Actually was one the movies that I always wanted to watch. I came home, and I turned the TV on, and I saw it was Love Actually. My roommate's girlfriend showed up, and she said that she loved the movie. I wanted to watch it because it was one of the favorite movies of Taylor. The whole movie, I was thinking of Taylor. As a Persian, all loves presented in the movie was very superficial, but I could understand it. I could understand the feeling of Taylor watching this movie. I liked the movie because it was exactly the genre that I like.

American's love is very superficial in comparison to the love represented in Persian stories. It was quite obvious in the movie. Everybody got whatever he/she wanted, and got happy because of that. In true love stories, you never get what you want. Even in Titanic that was a kind of love story, the boy got the girl. I think that the whole story could me meaningless to an American if they both died before having sex with each other. It's not true in Persian culture. In fact, it could be more meaningful if they could never be together! I think that Taylor knows it now. It is not love if you can have it.

Birthday party of Justin's wife and seeing Shani after a long time

I was in the cafe that my friends showed up. It was Justin's wife's birthday. They invited me to join them. A few minutes later, Shani also showed up to celebrate the birthday with them. We didn't have any eye contact. I took several pictures of them, and Shani was in my camera LCD. It was like we were never be friends. She is the most emotionless girl I have ever seen in my life. As a boy I am more emotional than her. Anyway, the party ended without anything special.

I saw a few American girls at night in the pub. "Why shouldn't I get an American girlfriend?" I thought to myself, "I want someone as emotional as Taylor. I don't want to waste my time being with someone like Shani. However, she is also a girl. I can learn many things from her about the girls. I may even consider her for marriage one day if I couldn't find Taylor. I should make a decision about Shani, but I can't do it now because I don't know what's in her mind until she talks to me."

Thinking about Shani and the things that happened

These days I think about Shani all the time. I don't know if she thinks about me or not. I even thought about marring her. She is not a type of girl whom I can marry. I don't like her attitude. She never answers me. She didn't care about me and feelings at all. She is not really my choice, but at least I don't dislike her. In addition, I am looking for a girlfriend to know girls better.


I have found this Persian masterpiece these days, and I listen to all the time.




She is a good choice because I already spent lots of time with her building a good friendship. If I start with any other girl, it may take more than a month to get to this point. I am super busy, and I can't do such a time investment now. I have to work hard on my project. The sad thing about my project is that my friend declined to help me. He started to work on it, but he didn't do much, and his incomplete work is completely useless to me. I expected to finish this part of the project this summer, but I couldn't. It's a failure to my plans. I have to spend at lease two more months to compensate it, and I am not good at UI designing, but I have no other choice.

Downtown Clubs

I just picked Marvin and Micheal, and we went downtown to see what's there. Outside the bar, it was a guy who has been giving free hugs to people. He hugged Micheal. I wanted to try it, too. He hugged me in a way that I felt that he was a gay, and I felt very bad.

We stood in a line to enter the bar.

The music was very loud, and it was hard to hear someone else's conversation. We stood in a corner to watch. I went to the crowd, but I didn't like it. It was very bad. I hated that loud music, but Micheal liked it. He danced a little with them.

I went to the second floor. It was the same. The music was different here, but it was still annoying. There were many people dancing together. I decided to go and dance with them, but nobody danced with me. It was like that people were there with a group of three or four or more, and they were together. Single people were near around the corners ordering drinks or buying girls drinks. Since I don't drink, and I don't want to buy someone a drink, I couldn't communication with anybody there. In addition, the music doesn't let anybody to talk.

The culture inside the dance clubs seems to be very different. I couldn't see not even one single girl who I could like there. It was not fun for me at all. I got bored, and I asked them to go to another bar. I could remember this bar when we were here last Halloween. This wasn't a dance club. On the second floor, I saw boys buying drinks for girls trying to prey them for themselves. There was even a competition between boys to get a chance to talk with a girl. I saw a brief implicit fight between two boys trying to get the same girl. The only attraction was sexual attraction. Boys hit on the girls whom look liked sexier to them. Micheal didn't like this place. He wanted to dance. So, we came back to the previous bar.

I tried to adopt to them, and I tried to dance. I went into the crowd, and I jumped up and down, but I had absolutely no fun.

In the way back, Micheal talked to me about the girls whom danced with him, and he was very satisfied. "If we are going to live here," he said, "we need to learn their culture. It was a very good experience for me. I would like to come here again."

I wrote her that I liked her

I wrote a message to Shani to tell her that I like her. I didn't want her to be angry with me. I wrote a long message for her over FB, and I tried to explain everything for her.

She answered: I just said i don't like anybody to break my privacy and i'm so sensitive about that...
No need for this long story. Its okay.

I didn't want her to think that I am begging her, so I wrote her a harsh but still polite answer:

You condemn me for something that i didn't do, and it hurts. Think for a moment. I didn't break your privacy. It is all in your mind if you think that I did. I don't know your story though, and you won't tell me. Nevertheless, i considered you as a closer friend who knows me and trusts me. My apology. World is a strange place to live. If you see me as such an untrustable and privacy invader person,... . I don't want to think about this anymore. Anyway, you can come and talk to me whenever you changed your mind; just be As honest and frank and selfless as me. Good night.

She didn't answer this, and I didn't expect her to answer it. It is always hard to communicate with her. She doesn't answer messages, and when she does, she writes a few lines, and I can't understand her true feelings. I think that she was angry with me because she expected me to ask her to be his boyfriend, but she didn't say anything. Anyway, I think that she doesn't have any right to speak to me like the way she did before.

A Christian home group

I went to a christian home group to pick up Micheal and Marvin. We wanted to go to downtown bars again. I just had my dinner there, but I would like to be more in this kind of groups.

Since it was late we couldn't go tonight, and we planned for tomorrow.

A chat conversation with Shani

I sent Shani a text in the morning at 11:15: "I would like to go to the art museum tonight. I would like to invite you."

She didn't answer my text. It made me really sure that she was angry with me, but I didn't want to judge it. I sent her another text at 3:45 pm: "Are you angry with me? Anytime you are done with your job, tell me. I would like to talk to you." I just wanted to talk to her.

I see absolutely no reason for her to be angry with me. I invited her. I paid for her several times. I also helped her a lot, and I was a very good friend to her. Even if she was angry with me, she should have answered my texts. I politely asked her out, and she didn't even send a polite rejection.

She answered my text a few minutes later: "Hi. I am sorry that I forgot to answer you. I am upset, but it's nothing important. I just don't want somebody to invade my privacy and come to my lab or my house... It's not important. I am always grateful for whatever you did for me."

Her message made me sure that she was very upset. I knew that privacy thing was just an excuse. I could read between her lines that she didn't want to see me again. In addition, we were more friends than this. She knew that I didn't invade her privacy at all. We went all many times together. She even let me in her home once. Wasn't that privacy. I was sure that everything was related to that night because her text messages completely changed. She used to use many smilies. She used to write in a way to make me feel she is happy, but this time was different. She even talked about being grateful where the subject was something different.

Me: "I have to talk to you."
She: "I don't want to talk. Sorry. It's nothing special... Please don't insist; it makes me upset. Mercy."

I explained her that it might be a misunderstanding, and we need to talk to solve this misunderstanding, and I would like to keep my friendship with her, but she replied: "I am not intended to break our friendship, and it's not important. I understand that it is a misunderstanding. Just give me some space and let it pass... I should go back to work now."

Her answer was just another proof. Why she needed space if it was not because of that night, and it was only because of her privacy. I even explained her that I didn't go to her home, and I just met my friends in her lab without even asking anything explicitly about her there. So, the only thing remained was that night. It was damn right about it. I should talk to her as soon as possible to fix everything. Time can't help. I should know exactly what's happened and why.

Me: I give you time to. I wait for you to finish your work.
She: No... I am busy...
Me: Your work will definitely end some time. I will wait for you until any time even tomorrow morning.
She: Plz... next week I really want to be alone. It's exactly the concept of privacy im talking about...
Me: No. I should have talked to you that day. It's not a one-sided issue that you see only yourself. I couldn't do my work well these 2-3 days since I figured out that you were upset, and I was not sure what could I do. I can understand privacy and being alone, but I am upset, too; probably more than you.  I can't force you. It's up to you. Either consider only yourself and don't talk to me, or let's talk and solve all misunderstandings. I don't think that the time will help. I can understand you in both cases.

Kids, she didn't reply this. I waited the whole day and the entire night. My eyes got tired looking at my phone to get a reply from her. She should be very selfish that she didn't want to talk to me, or she simply needed some space. I will give her the space that she needs, but I really wanted her to consider me, too.

Dinner night with Patricia

I invited Particia for tonight. I cooked her fish. It was 9:00 pm, and she was late. I contacted her, and she said that she got home from her work just now, and she needed some time to clean-up. She showed up 9:40 pm, and she really surprised me. She had wore a beautiful make-up. I haven't seen her with those pretty dresses and that make-up. She was ten times better than the first day that we met.

She liked my tablecloth, and she said that she liked everything that had a Texas flag on it.

She loved my food. She ate it all. We talked for more than an hour and half about many thingssuch as movies, books, music, Persian language, her family, her life, my life, my goals, ...

Sadly, I don't have time to write about it. It was a good night. I don't know if she want to be my girlfriend or not, but I am very satisfied from myself tonight. I could invite a girl to my home, and we had a good time together. She said that she wanted to go to a birthday party after that, and I don't know if she did that make-up for me or for that birthday party! All I know is that she was very pretty that made me think about her.

I was concerned about Shani as she sent me nothing today. I decided to send her a fake message, and I pretended that I wanted to send it to my friend to make her answer me, but she didn't reply:

"Hi. I finished my forms. If you have prepared something for our project, please send it to me by tomorrow noon. Good night," I sent it for her and my friend.