I was not good at all, and I did something that I shouldn't do. I listened to some music records that I should never listen to. I cried every a few minutes while I was working my project. I couldn't control my feelings at all. Several things tied together to make my emotional situation very complicated; that night with Nancy and feeling an awkward element in a large group of people reminded me to a few years ago when I was in a very bad condition, and I used to talk my friend all the time. He came with my everywhere to help me. Now, the same friend, his son is sick, and I can't do anything. I returned to that time when I needed help, and he was there for me, but I can't be there for him. Flash backs of every painful moment after that heartbreak tied with flash backs of that night with Nancy and caused a catastrophic disaster to my emotions.
Crying made me feel lighter. I was calm in the afternoon, but for no logical reason I didn't want to feel good. I felt miserable and hopeless. Even Taylor's photos couldn't help this time. I know that I should never return to that time, but sometimes small things remind me everything.
Martin's wife called me and asked me to join them for Alexander's birthday party. I didn't want to go at all because I was in a very bad situation, but their plan was exactly in the cafe, where I was there. I was writing an email for my friend about his son and I was crying that Henry came to me. Hopefully, he didn't notice my eyes, or maybe he did, but he didn't say anything. We had a conversation about Facebook's recent research on 680,000 users. He said, he joined an emergency meeting in the other department about this. It was, however, a very minor issue. I knew that FB had many of these researches for years and years, and perhaps it was the first time that they published their results. A few minutes later, Marvin and some others came and asked me to join them.
I decided to join them because I thought that it might help me.
I didn't have fun at all. I looked at Nancy for a while to see if she notices me; if she really cares about me, but she had no reaction. Martin through Alexander into the water to surprise him as his birthday party. I was fasting so I couldn't eat the cake. In fact, I was the only person who was fasting in that group. It made me feel lonelier. They took some pictures and celebrate the birthday.
After the party, they came to the cafe to eat the cake. I sat in the chair that I used to and I started to work with my computer, but I could see them talking and laughing. Marvin came to me and asked me if I could help him buying a car or not, and I said yes. I tried to help Marvin to have a valid reason not to go and talking to others. They decided to go to Cici's pizza. Martin's wife also asked me to go there, but I wanted to say my prayer first. I didn't promise her to join them. Marvin stayed with me to come with me.
I said my prayer, and I cried a lot. I wanted to go home and be alone, but Marvin was there, and I should took him there, and I had no other choice other than going to Cici's pizza.
I sat far from Nancy. I looked at her several times. "Nancy! Don't you like me? Can't you see my pain? Don't you want to talk to me? Don't you want to ask me what's happened. You are the only person that I wish I could talk to her about my problems." I said in my heart when I was looking into her eyes. But she didn't understand my words. She just ignored my eye contact. I really needed to talk to someone, and she was the only person whom I could talk to, but she wasn't there for me.
I wanted to leave that place as soon as possible, but we were in a group, and I didn't want to leave it without any reason. I was very depressed and unhappy. I had a great pain in my heart, and nobody could understand it. We came out of the store to take some pictures. I had a chance to put my hand on Nancy's shoulder, but I didn't do that. I tried to look into her eyes again to ask her if she likes to talk to me or not, but she was just confused. She had no idea about it.
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