Very very sad days

When I woke up in the morning, I was calm. However, it doesn't last. I started to listen to some songs that I haven't listened to them for many years. It caused me to go back to years ago when she broke my heart that bad. My heart started to bleed again. I can't believe it that after all these years, this happened again. I experienced the most serious emotional crisis during the last five years. Things that happened between me and Ann caused me to remember all the things that I tried to forget all these years.

I don't know why did I do that to myself again. I let a girl to be a part of my life to break my heart. I thought about so many things. "Why do I like her? Is she really what I was looking for? Didn't I let any girl to be in my life to be with someone like Ann? What about cultural differences?

I couldn't see her today

I was awake until 2 am to see all Ann's photos. It was unbelievable. She had more than 600 photos and they were awesome. I knew her better than any other person by just looking at her photos. She was exactly as awesome as I thought. She was a kind of Taylor by reading all those crime books, and being so playful and happy all the time. She was like super models in her photos. I even saw her previous boyfriend, and her interests, and so many other things.

During the day, I was unsure to meet Ann. I didn't even go to the library. Since her exam was late in the night, I just wanted to give myself some time to think about that I was going to do. I wanted to work on my project, but I couldn't because I couldn't concentrate on it. I walked in the hallways and open environments of the university for at least two hours to get relaxed. It was a very hard decision. Finally, I decided to talk to her. It was my last chance to see her before holidays.

I couldn't find that exam sessions list, but I went to a place that it was more probable to see her there as her classes were there. I entered the room. There were more than 250 students in the room. I tried to find Ann there. There were only four girls with hair color similar to her, and none of them was Ann. Ann was not there. I didn't know where I could find her. I even couldn't enter another room because the exam was started. I got disappointed, and I went back home. The weather was very very cold.

When I went home at night, I was so sad. I started to cry and fight with God because of Ann. "Why should I see her in my life? Why didn't you help me? ..." There were so many thoughts in my mind, and I was just complaining to God because of everything that happened between us. I cried to the point that I couldn't remember when I fell into sleep.

What???

I had a conversation with Jeeraj about a girl who was in our class the first semester.

Jeeraj: "What are you going to do during the holiday?"
Me: "Nothing. Working on my project only."
Jeeraj: "Don't you want to find a girl?"
Me: "I tried, but I couldn't."
Jeeraj: "Why don't you ask that Iranian girl in our class out?"
Me: "I don't know. I may do that :)"
Jeeraj: "Could Muslims have a relationship with Hindus?"
Me: "No. Maybe only other Muslims or Jewish or Christians. Why are you asking?"
Jeeraj: "I think that she is dating an Indian boy."
Me: "It's none of my business."
Jeeraj : "Yes. But since you said that you might date her, I wanted to tell you. I saw her several times with an Indian boy. I saw her late in the night in that boy's apartment. They were alone. I even saw them dancing together very closely."
Me: "Wow. No. I am not going to date her. It's her life and I don't want to hear more."
Jeeraj: "Yes."

That day I saw her with that Indian boy. It was very weird. "We have an exam tomorrow," she said. "OK. Good Luck!" I said. I saw them several times again that day. I don't say that I didn't like her, but it was super strange that I saw her with that Indian boy. They had nothing in common. She had nothing to do with my story, but I think that this event had a little impact on me later.

Talking to Jeeraj

Jeeraj had invited me a few days ago to his graduation party in the dining hall. We had a conversation about his graduation and his future plans. I met him unexpectedly tonight again. I talked to him tonight about Ann. I told him the story.

Jeeraj: "You have made a big mistake. Girls are very delicate. You should have been friends friends."
Me: "I wanted to be her friend only. I mean that I like her, and she could even be my girlfriend, but not now. I just wanted to be her friend now."
Jeeraj: "So, you should have said this."
Me: "OK. I didn't do that. Do you think it's over now?"
Jeeraj: "I tell you, it is better to talk to her once again, and tell her that you wanted to be her friend only. You should tell her your intention. She may feel insecure about you because she doesn't know you."
Me: "I may see her tomorrow."
Jeeraj: "Do you know her name?"
Me: "Yes."
Jeeraj: "OK. I can find her email for you."
Me: "How???"

And Jeeraj found her profile for me in the Internet. It was amazing.
Jeeraj: "I don't suggest you to email her. Just go and talk to her in person. It is different."
Me: "OK. I am going to do that tomorrow."

Jeeraj also found me all chemistry exam places in the university. There were more than 9 places in the university that had that exam in the same time tomorrow.

Don't even talk to me

I haven't seen Ann since our last conversation. I thought that it might be a good idea to talk to her again. I knew that she didn't have a boyfriend, but I didn't want to see her got one after holidays. I knew that there might be a boy that was her classmate, and she might expected him to ask her to be his boyfriend. So, I wanted to do my last try.

Even though I didn't have my car, and I didn't have anything to do in the university, I went there everyday just to meet Ann. I just had a conversation with my professor one of the those day.

I met Ann today in the library. I was looking good enough to be confident to talk to her. She came there to get some coffee. I waited to see her.

Me: "Hey.."
She: "Hey..." (Oh my god, this boy again. Let's run away.)

She started to run up the stairs. I ran after her.

Me: "Excuse me. ..." (She is just running. She hears me, but she don't want to stop and talk to me.)
Me again: (Louder) "Sorry..." (Wait. I am serious to talk to you.)
She looked back and saw me, and slowed down. She ran all four stores of the library during our conversation.

Me: "Hi. What's up?"
She: "Hi. Nothing."
Me: "I just wanted to say sorry because of that day."
She: "No problem. I was just waiting for someone who didn't come. A complete waste of time." (Don't even talk to me. You are wasting my time. There is no way that we could be together.)
Me: "Is it your last week in this semester?"
She: "Yes. I am done with my computer lab course, and I don't think that I get this course again next semester [the things that you are interested in, and I don't like]." (See that we don't have anything in common. Now go.)
Me: "How many exams do you have?"
She: "Only one."
Me: "What course?"
She: "Chemistry."
Me: "Chemistry? But I think that you don't know anything about chemistry. Do you?"
She stopped for a second, and asked me very seriously "what do you mean?"
Me: "I mean the Chemistry between you and me."
She : "What?"
Me: "Never mind." (She don't even get my humor. I wanted to say something to make her interested, She: "But I think that I am doing pretty well in this course. I really like it."
but she really didn't want to even talk to me.)
We were in front of the door, and she wanted to enter the library study area.
Me: "When is your exam?"
She: "Tomorrow, and my friends are waiting for me."
Me: "But I want to talk to you."
She: "I told you that I have a boyfriend." [There is nothing to talk more about it.]
Me: "So, what?"
She: "My friends are waiting for me?"
Me: "You think that I saw you that night for the first time, and I just came and asked you..."
She: "I told you that we started dating a month ago."
Me: "He found you one month ago, and I found you two months ago. So, I found you before him." (Kids, I am not proud of what I told her. I wish she could laugh at it, but she didn't. She was very serious with me and she didn't even want to show me any kind of interest)
She: "They are waiting..." (I don't want to listen to you. Nothing to even talk about it.)
Me: "What about tomorrow after your exam?"
She: "We will see. waiting..." [BIG NO] (She just didn't want to leave me impolitely. She did her best to act respectfully.)
Me: "OK. I got it. At least tell me your name."
She: "My name is Ann. It's nice to meet you." (I don't know if we had a hand shaking or not. My mind was just obsessed to find a way to talk to her.)
Me: "I will see you tomorrow after your exam. OK?"
She: "They are waiting..." [You don't know what time and where my exam is. OK, but you can't find me, and I am pretty sure that I won't see you again tomorrow.]
Me: "OK. See you tomorrow."

I came downstairs to work on my project, but I couldn't. She did everything to avoid me. She didn't even want to see me. I really really like this girl, but she just wanted to show me how disinterested she was. The most caring girl that I have ever seen cares only about her friends and doesn't even care a little about me. I sat at the library for a few hours, and I couldn't do anything.

End of the semester

Friday was the last day of my classes. So, I am done with this semester. I just need to pass two other courses to finish my course work. I will take one of them in the next semester and the other one in the last semester. I am satisfied from my performance regarding the courses. I passed all my courses with grade A (except one B+ in the first semester). I am done with the qualifying exam. I also found a direction toward my thesis, and I hope to define a good problem statement in the next semester. I have a good professor. I didn't find him, but he found me. So, from academic point of view, everything seems to be alright.

I am going to change my major again. I promise that this time it is the last time that I do this in my life. In fact, I have no other choice. I don't want to get extra courses to remain on this major. It is not a big deal, though.

I have a kind of boyfriend

I was very tired because I couldn't sleep well that night. It was, however, needed to go to school and finish the project of my course. The due date was this Friday. "I may see Ann today. Let's go and take a shower and shave before going to school. No way that I see her today. It has been two months and I couldn't see her anywhere alone. Even if I see her, I am not on mood to talk to her." I thought to myself.

I went to school by bus after I left my car in that body shop. When I enter the department building, I saw Ann alone waiting for someone there. "Oh my God, she is here, and she is alone. It is the last week of the school, and I may not see her again. Let's talk to her. At least, I may get a good friend and forget everything that happened." I thought to myself.

Me: "Hi."
She: "Hi."
Me: "I thought about your project, and I figured out that you didn't do it right. Instead of that 'and' you needed to use 'and'."
She: [Really? I didn't understand it.] I submitted it yesterday, by the way.
... (trying to explain something about the project.)
She: Thank you for your explanation.
Me: What is your major?
She: I study biomedical.
Me: (Oh my God, she is a doctor!) Is it in this department?
She: Actually, I don't know. I haven't had any course related to my major yet.
Me: What courses did you take this semester?
She: Computer lab, Chemistry, (I can't remember the other one).
Me: (Look at her eyes. They are green and so beautiful. Look at her. See is just awesome.) Are you going to take more computer classes next semester?
She: I am in the waiting list of Computer lab 2.
Me: (Nobody gets the course in the waiting list here. Awful, I won't see her again the next semester.) (A little silent) Sorry, but can I ask you out sometime?
She: (A little silent) (Huh? Let me see you again. I kind of like you, but ... NO. I am not interested in you at all. آخه چرا اینطوری؟ این چه وضعشه) (shaking voice) I have a kind of boyfriend.
Me: (She has a boyfriend? No. I know that she doesn't have. Why didn't she like me? I shouldn't have ask her like that. Is she lying? No, I don't think so. She might be interested in someone. Let's ask her.) What do you mean by a kind of boyfriend?
She: (Shaking voice. Please don't ask me anything else.) We just started dating recently.
Me: OK. When do you break up?
She: (Confused) I don't know. I usually date for a long time. I expect it last a long time.
Me: Call me whenever you break up.
She: (Smiling)
Me: See you.
She: Bye.

"Why did you let her go. Why did you ask her like that? You even forgot to give her a compliment. You could say what a beautiful eyes you have or any other things. There are so many things awesome about this girl." I thought to myself. A boy came after her. "Is that her boyfriend? I wish I could talk to her one more time. I just want to be her friend. I didn't want to be her boyfriend now." I waited for her to be alone again, but she left the department with that boy. I waited more than two months to meet this girl in the best possible time, and I met her in the worse possible time ever. In fact, no day in the whole year could be as bad as today to ask Ann.

Kids, the last thing you wanted to do after an accident and not sleeping a night is to go and ask the girl of your dreams out. Don't do that.

I talked to Henry about it.
Me: "I just wanted to ask her to be my friend. I didn't mean to be her boyfriend now. I may see her again today. Do you think it is a good idea to ask her to be my just friend?"
Henry: "No. Usually, it is something that girls ask boys when boys reject them. Even if she become your friend, she never consider you as a boyfriend. She goes out and hang out all the time with her boyfriend, and you just regret this."
Me: "So, what can I do?"
Henry: "I think it is better to forget her. After several months, you may ask her again."
Me: "I waited for her two months, and I just ruined everything in a few minutes. After several months, she will definitely have a boyfriend."
Henry: "You can't do nothing now."
Me: "Do you think it's over?"
Henry: "Yes. I usually don't allow a girl to talk to me like that. What did you ask her that she said something like that."
Me: "I just asked her out."
Henry: "You shouldn't have done this. At first, you needed to be her friend first."
Me: "How? I couldn't find her anywhere else. I just met her in the library and the cafe while she was spending her time with her friends."
Henry: "That's why I am telling you that you can't get a girl like that."
Me: "You are right. But in the university groups, there are not so many girls like her. I can easily get a friend there, but I can't get an awesome person like her."
Henry: "There are so many girls like her."
Me: "The problem is there are not. What can I do with this girl?"
Henry: "Nothing."

I was hoping to see her again for her computer lab tonight, but there was no class. I may never see her again this week or this semester.